Forrest Laurent: Dating multiple people
There’s a sifting and shifting happening. It’s tangible and taking place on a social app near you. The sifting and shifting is the separation between men of God who have put away childish things, and men-children who haven’t yet gotten the memo. An emergence of Millennial-aged men who are leveling up in the areas of their faith, emotional intelligence and entrepreneurship is upon us, and they’re spitting truth at scale.
It’s, of course, true that there’s a fair share of opportunistic, follower-pandering, visceral charlatans who produce disingenuous content preying on vulnerable people (usually women) looking for ear-tickling cheerleaders rather than wise counsel. By the way, I refer to the people in my life who provide me with wise counsel as my Personal Board of Directors. They have permission to check me when I’m wrong, redirect me when I’m wandering and get in my business when I’m being an idiot. Everyone needs their own Personal Board of Directors. Having that structure in place is essential to achieving life’s gains. Full stop.
In a time though, when depravity, misogyny, perversion and godlessness seem to be winning, this micro group of online mentors represent the proverbial light (that’s not another train) at the end of the tunnel.
Among the brightest of those lights is Forrest Laurent, a self-described “Effective Communicator,” safe-space advocate and coach who blew up on Instagram overnight (which is a fascinating story) and just wrapped a podcast tour. I stumbled on his IG content a couple months ago, and sensed he wasn’t regular when I read the title of his post: Dating Multiple People at the Same Time. Something told me his take would be counter to the culture we’ve been insidiously, subliminally assigned, and he didn’t disappoint. What he said struck a chord; not because he’s a man, but because of his confidence in his manhood. That, and the fact that his faith informs his content.
The Take: Why Dating Multiple People Doesn’t Work
In the first of many videos I would eventually watch, Laurent describes his response to a female friend who asked him if it’s okay to date multiple people at one time. The first thing to call out is how Laurent defines dating. He firmly believes a connection between two people can happen with or without sex. While he doesn’t condemn playing the field per se, he encourages honesty about it and he draws a definitive line of demarcation between people who choose to scatter themselves (sexually or not) among many and people who understand that toying with people’s emotions is equivalent to playing checkers; not chess.
More of that, please.
After my 2021 divorce, I was like a calf at a new gate. I had been somebody’s somebody for a lot of years, and I had no idea how to be out here in these streets. I’d resigned myself to the seemingly inevitable truth (which, as it turns out, isn’t true at all) that meeting someone organically was virtually impossible. So, I did the dating app thing. #no. I did the friend-playing-matchmaker thing. #nope. Suffice it to say my initial impression of being single again was no bueno. Did. Not. Like.
IG: @forrestlaurent
To Laurent’s point, although playing the field is “celebrated and accepted in the culture,” it’s ultimately “unhealthy to our character.”
That’s big facts, proofed pudding and guaranteed gospel.
I lived his point out. After a couple months of teas, dinners and video chats, I realized I was doing everyone involved an injustice by making my calendar a dating cobweb. I’m a one-man-woman. Even with respect to the men I didn’t want to see after one date, I was unnecessarily polluting my reemergence into singlehood by having to remember which conversation matched with which name, mentally bifurcating each person based on how many “Is he the one?” boxes they checked and executing the awkward “Friend Zone” kiss-off.
“If you’re genuinely looking for an authentic connection with someone, then it’ll be impossible to pursue that if you’re sharing your attention, your energy, your time and your body with so many different people.”
Perhaps Laurent’s most poignant point though, is his message that multi-person dating creates the risk that one or all of those in the multitude can “catch feelings.” I hadn’t considered that as a possibility when I stumbled back into life as a single woman. I was so busy panicking about the fact that I was single again (and marketing myself like the latest Jordans) that I’d forgotten how invested someone can be in a conversation. It slipped my mind that I was being vetted, and that some of those men liked what they were hearing. I took for granted the power of being attracted to someone and learning about having things in common with them. I blithely dismissed what can happen when eyes lock and when the intimacy of that first brush of someone’s hand can cause butterflies.
Not to get all Hallmark Channel about it, but some single people are not casual about dating. Some people – some men – are not flippant about their expended energy. Laurent is right about it. I get it. And I regret having a revolving door mentality when I found myself where I never thought I’d be again. I was freaked out. I was a fish out of water. That’s my feeble defense. And while no one (to my knowledge) got hurt, I wasn’t trusting God with my future in that regard. #uglytruthalert
Mea culpa.
On this topic, Laurent’s advice is sound. This IG Reel review can best be summarized with The Golden Rule: do unto others. It’s not more complicated than that. What also comes through is that Laurent has clearly graduated from the relationship School of Hard Knocks, and he hasn’t squandered his education. He’s applying what he’s learned to his own life, and paying those lessons forward to others’. It’s noble work rich with endless possibilities and, as long as he stays aligned with purpose, activates a solid Personal Board of Directors (the tribe matters) and doesn’t allow himself to get comfortable, he’s poised to be a significant thought leader inside and outside the faith space.
I’ll definitely be reviewing more of his content in the near future. It’s thoughtful, seasoned, unambiguous and consistent. His content is indicative of what appears to be a movement separating those who objectify and emotionally prostitute themselves and the opposite sex, and those who shamelessly see themselves and others as being created in God’s image.
Laurent’s a real one. What he’s up to is worthy of amplification. As a Communications and PR professional, I’ve spent my entire adult life amplifying what others are up to, and it’s been a minute since I’ve seen a collective of individuals, including Laurent, who insist on positively contributing to the lives of hurting people. Emotional pain is both exclusively individual and expansively universal. Laurent masterfully walks that line, and deposits platinum-wrapped wisdom into the hearts and minds of thousands several times a week… a feat few can accomplish in a ninety-second Reel.
As it relates to dating, in my case, I’m allowing God to give me the clear and obvious thumbs-up when I’ve met the one. Until then, I’ll continue gleaning nuggets from discerning thirty-something sages like Forrest Laurent. He and his ilk are digital moral compass warriors of sorts, and they’re unabashedly unbothered about going against the self-obsessed, me-first grain society says is “normal.”
They’re called. They’re responding.
Yes, please.